let me preface with saying that I personally am not in need of a lot of recognition or lavishing of gifts.  I’m rather embarassed when I am surprised with something I’m not expecting and struggle with being gracious.

That being said…Tuesday was our 12th wedding anniversary.  The ONLY person I expect anything from on this day is my husband.  It’s our ’secret’ wedding day and I actually like it that way.  I love that we have one day to spend, enjoy, celebrate as we choose.

However this day I did not jump out of bed yelling.  I didn’t leave a card on the counter the night before, I didn’t hint about it for a week or two nor did I attempt to make plans with him for the day.

Likewise, I was sorely disappointed.  I’m sure he thought I was in a mood all day.  But I didn’t act or speak angerly.  I didn’t yell or pout.  I just went on like any other day.

At the end of the night, as we are relaxing to go to sleep he asked me something (totally unrelated) and I sort of just said some off hand thing about him being forgetful you know like the compass test (the admissions test he NEEDS to get into school for fall term!) and our anniversary today.  He had scheduled the test for 5pm over a week ago.  When he asked me if that was an ok day and time I just asked if that was the only time available?  ‘No, but I figured it’s work.’  Ok well then..I knew we wouldn’t be doing much anyway, it’s at least an hour long test and the site is over 30 minutes away…so whatever.

So back to the bed, he says no it’s tomorrow.  No it’s today.  Today is the 28th.  Oh I thought it was tomorrow.

ok so should I wait a day or two next time to see if you’ve gotten your days mixed up?  Good grief…..

Anyway my point here is this:  his bad follow through and his flippant attitude about something that is important to me is his philosophy for everything he does.  It’s the trend for our whole life and I really don’t know how or if I can fix it and I’m seriously not sure how much longer I can take it.  Truly.

Our financial outlook is a wreck.  Our communication is minimal and our overall relationship is ridiculous.  He has a lot of anger and anxiety.  He’s stressed and comfortable all at the same time.  He doesn’t make a single decision about anything and he never follows through with anything.

I know I’m stressed.  I know I’m angry and disappointed.  I’m sad and unhappy.  I feel powerless to change things though.  I’m tired of prompting him along.  I want him to have the responsibility and carry me along.  I apparently want something much different that what I picked.

I don’t even know where to go with everything.  Some days I want to run away.  I want to kick him in the balls and never look back.  Other days (rare but true!) I still can’t imagine my life without him.  I know there are difficult parts in any relationship and in life.  But I feel like the whole last 5 years have been that bottom of the barrel time and I need a light at the end.  I need some encouragement that this will get better and soon.  Because I’m honestly not sure anymore.  I feel like I’ve been barely holding on for the whole time waiting.   I’m not sure we can make it through.  I’m not sure we were ever supposed to be married to each other.  I’m not sure I’m willing to fight for it and make it work.  And I’m almost certain he’s not willing to do any of it.  Some days I’d take it all back and start over…..

sad…. 

Can you imagine?  I’m not sure how I’ve missed this internet phenonmenon…

if you know me, you know I LOVE Christmas time…

so initially the idea of Christmas in July sounded fabulous!   Then I was immediately struck with…how does this effect my planning and prep for regular Christmas?  what does it really mean?

I think after a bit of research starting here:  http://twurl.nl/i22hd5 that it can just be fun and MAYBE I’ll win a few things too!
So check it out if you have time….that link is to the Britax giveaway!  Who doesn’t need (or want) a cushy new carseat!

The rest of her site has other fun stuff too!  Christmas in July ROCKS!  (even though I’ve now missed almost all of it!  eek!)

I haven’t been here in a while.  I’ve barely touched my computer for any real purpose in a few weeks.

Jon is in and out with his Army stuff and I’m sure this next year or two is going to be interesting and stressful.  I’m sort of expecting and hoping it does and doesn’t happen all at once.

The kids are fabulous!  They are growing and learning and so much fun.  Really….

I’m ok.  Working, volunteering, stressed.  Really stressed.
Money is stressful.  Time management is stressful.  My family is stressful.  It’s never ending it seems.

I. JUST. WANT. A. BREAK.

And I have no idea how to make that happen.  sigh….

Conscientious

You feel it’s important to work according to a plan and finish every task, to do things correctly and thoroughly.

You are not the kind of person who abandons a project before finishing it, or slacks off when you’ve lost interest.

Organized

You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it’s the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it’s only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you’re not satisfied until you reach it.

You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don’t understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.

Competent

You strive to master everything you undertake. You tend to learn quickly and do not shy away from challenges.

You are not a “que sera sera” type of person, nor do you go easy on yourself when attempting to master a new skill or get a job done.

Buttoned-Down

You like to know that everything is in its place; it’s somehow empowering to know that the world around you is neat and organized. For you, schedules and timelines are great ways to stay on track, and mowing down the items on your “to do” list is a source of happiness.

You do not believe that a clean, orderly desk is the sign of a person who doesn’t have enough to do; you don’t thrive on a sense of personal anarchy.

Excitable

You have a strong image of how you want things to be, and when the world around you refuses to cooperate you get annoyed, distracted, or worse.

You don’t feel compelled to stay calm when the world around you is erupting in chaos; it’s not your job to keep everyone else in line.

Scrupulous

You are an honest, fair person. You don’t lie or cheat to get ahead. You treat others with respect and hope for the same in return.

You do not feel that you are above the rules that everyone else follows; you are definitely not willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead.

Responsible

You fulfill your obligations and responsibilities, are true to your word, and generally obey the rules.

You’re opposed to making hasty decisions, you don’t insist that you’re above the rules, nor do you feel compelled to color outside the lines.

While the majority of those who have a high score on the “responsible” trait enjoy traveling, they are usually very happy to return home — and don’t mind staying put for a while.

Focused

You know how to lock in on what’s important. You quickly prepare yourself for a task, you don’t procrastinate, and you don’t let up until the job is done to your satisfaction.

You are the opposite of scattered. You don’t procrastinate before starting a task, and you almost never lose track of what you’re doing.

Unflappable

You are not a slave to your emotions. It takes a lot to upset or unnerve you. That’s why you’re a good person to have around in a crisis.

You don’t let it all hang out, which means that those around you often don’t know the pressures you’re under or what you’re going through. You’re not the kind of person people run from in a crisis.

Meticulous

You tend to want everything you touch to be just right. You can spot errors, omissions, shoddy work, or bad taste from a mile away. You demand a lot of yourself, and you often hold others to the same standards.

You don’t want to be one of those people who couldn’t care less about doing a job well, and you don’t think it helps to apologize for the sloppiness of others or cut them a lot of slack.

What better title could there be?  I mean really I’ve never felt so beat down all around.  Financially, emotionally, and it’s making me physically exhausted.

I’m angry and sad and disappointed.  I’m scared and ashamed.

I want a NORMAL life.  I want to feel safe and secure.

I feel like the last 5 years have been one hell after another.   I’m tired of trying to make it.

I’m sad….really sad….