Amazement

Bewilderment

All encompassing love

Who they are becoming is all those things

And so much more that I can not even describe.

Tucker is hilarious.  Today, we stopped at my mom’s on the way home.  Grampy had emptied the bird bath on the patio.  As we were leaving, Tuck informed him that the bird bath needs water.  Grampy replied that he would fill it but the birds just keep drinking it.  The look that crossed his face and the murmured response was completely a ‘Tucker response’…Logical, comical, and matter of fact.

Tailey was just vacuuming the living room.  She suddenly loves helping with household chores.  Today she wore the new athletic pants I just bought for her and was holding for Christmas but she was looking for ‘just’ that this morning so I gave them to her.  She put a white tank, layer with a black tank on to go with it.  She’s worried because someone called her goth at school because she wears a lot of black.  She’s not anywhere near goth.  Anyway, she’s bouncing around with her cute ponytail (something I’ve never had!) that I put in this morning.  As she’s moving around the furniture, it just appears to me how tall she’s gotten.  How much her little body has changed.  She looks muscular and athletic.  And it’s not from the pants!  She’s just lean and toned and perfect.  And she’s giggling as she vacuums.  *shakes head*

The point?

I’ve looked at her a hundred times today.  I checked that the pants weren’t too long.  That the tanks were layered evenly and not bugging her.  I pulled up the pony tail.  I glanced at her when she asked if she looked better without her glasses on because someone at school said she looked weird without them.  But through the day, I never sat and just absorbed who she is.  How’s she’s changing every single day from the pudgy first baby I brought home into the young lady she almost is.

I think the first and the last always strike your heart a little more for the obvious reasons.  She was the first of everything.  I adored her, and dreamed of her long before she was mine.  He is my last.  Every first I experience with him, is the last time I’ll get to.  I grieve his accomplishments more as the time slips away.

That isn’t to say I love them more or less than the others.  I try be aware of Tate because he’s the one that slips behind at the same that I couldn’t possibly be unaware of Tinsley for the exact opposite reason, she is always demanding my attention.

My point today is really not a point.  It’s just the realization that even though I try each day to be here for all of them, even as I spend every day here physically, I am still missing things.  Important things.

Because I am hurrying, because I am tired, because I am letting other things get in the way of these little things that can’t be revisited.

It’s been a really long week.  However, I’m not sure I really accomplished anything at all.

Between my allergies, a cold/bronchitis, and my skin, I just can’t get ahead of the game.  The meds might fix some of the issues but they sure create others.  I’ve been exhausted, unable to sleep, fogged headed and had extreme bouts of coughing.

To say the least, Jon has carried the house work load this week.  I’m sure you can picture what it looks like by now.  It’s currently at the point where I’m not sure where to start, I haven’t even looked upstairs at the kids’ rooms… Unfortunately, it is going to have to stay like this for another day or two.  I’m seriously exhausted. And I am stressed.  Seriously stressed.  I detest worrying about money and housework, yet it’s all I ever seem do.   *shakes head*   I’m sure I could sleep for 12 hours….and seeings I have no where I have to be in the morning, I’m gonna try it.

The week ahead is jammed packed with more extra curricular activities and meetings.  A few nights, I’ve no idea how I’m getting everyone everywhere.  Hopefully my mom can pitch in.  For now, I say good night and good grief!  Hope the rest of the world is enjoying the last summer weekend that already feels like fall here!

I was amazed at HOW much has changed and how much has NOT changed. In my life, in my head….

Amazing. Scary. Sad. Hopeful.

The season is changing here. I’m am hopeful that it is bringing a new chapter in our lives as well.

I am amazed that my kids have grown so quickly and are becoming beautiful, independent people.

I am scared that I am still failing as a mother, a wife, a productive person.

I am scared that my marriage isn’t going to survive and I can’t change the course of it.

I am sad. Sad that time moves more quickly than I anticipated, sad that so many things were missed or wasted. Sad that I have no clear vision of our future.

Scared as I take each day as it comes, unknowing what it will bring or how it may end.

Hopeful, as I learn new lessons in life and strive towards that person I need to be.

I hate the actual feeling.  Likely because of the cause.  Stress.  Major stress.  Impending stress.

Today I feel like I have to eliminate everything in our house that we are not using everyday.

I’ve gone through papers and clothes.  I want to do bathrooms and if it wasn’t raining I would have hauled tons of stuff to Goodwill or to storage.

I do not like the stress or the feeling.

My body is tired, my mind is frayed and my heart is racing.  I can feel the adrenaline zooming through my body.

I’m scared.  I’m tired.  I want to run away from my life.  I want to make the right decisions.  I want to be calm.  I want to happy.

That being said…Tuesday was our 12th wedding anniversary.  The ONLY person I expect anything from on this day is my husband.  It’s our ‘secret’ wedding day and I actually like it that way.  I love that we have one day to spend, enjoy, celebrate as we choose.

However this day I did not jump out of bed yelling.  I didn’t leave a card on the counter the night before, I didn’t hint about it for a week or two nor did I attempt to make plans with him for the day.

Likewise, I was sorely disappointed.  I’m sure he thought I was in a mood all day.  But I didn’t act or speak angerly.  I didn’t yell or pout.  I just went on like any other day.

At the end of the night, as we are relaxing to go to sleep he asked me something (totally unrelated) and I sort of just said some off hand thing about him being forgetful you know like the compass test (the admissions test he NEEDS to get into school for fall term!) and our anniversary today.  He had scheduled the test for 5pm over a week ago.  When he asked me if that was an ok day and time I just asked if that was the only time available?  ‘No, but I figured it’s work.’  Ok well then..I knew we wouldn’t be doing much anyway, it’s at least an hour long test and the site is over 30 minutes away…so whatever.

So back to the bed, he says no it’s tomorrow.  No it’s today.  Today is the 28th.  Oh I thought it was tomorrow.

ok so should I wait a day or two next time to see if you’ve gotten your days mixed up?  Good grief…..

Anyway my point here is this:  his bad follow through and his flippant attitude about something that is important to me is his philosophy for everything he does.  It’s the trend for our whole life and I really don’t know how or if I can fix it and I’m seriously not sure how much longer I can take it.  Truly.

Our financial outlook is a wreck.  Our communication is minimal and our overall relationship is ridiculous.  He has a lot of anger and anxiety.  He’s stressed and comfortable all at the same time.  He doesn’t make a single decision about anything and he never follows through with anything.

I know I’m stressed.  I know I’m angry and disappointed.  I’m sad and unhappy.  I feel powerless to change things though.  I’m tired of prompting him along.  I want him to have the responsibility and carry me along.  I apparently want something much different that what I picked.

I don’t even know where to go with everything.  Some days I want to run away.  I want to kick him in the balls and never look back.  Other days (rare but true!) I still can’t imagine my life without him.  I know there are difficult parts in any relationship and in life.  But I feel like the whole last 5 years have been that bottom of the barrel time and I need a light at the end.  I need some encouragement that this will get better and soon.  Because I’m honestly not sure anymore.  I feel like I’ve been barely holding on for the whole time waiting.   I’m not sure we can make it through.  I’m not sure we were ever supposed to be married to each other.  I’m not sure I’m willing to fight for it and make it work.  And I’m almost certain he’s not willing to do any of it.  Some days I’d take it all back and start over…..

sad…. 

It makes me concerned for sept and aug when the kids are back in their un-air conditioned school trying to concentrate.

I wonder what kind of winter is coming.  Will it be warm with no snow?  Will it be even colder with more record breaking snow fall?  And will it go back to our ‘normal’ at any point?

All ponderable and all without answers.

The worst part of the weather?  it makes the kiddos sick and jacks with my allergies.  sigh….

if you know me, you know I LOVE Christmas time…

so initially the idea of Christmas in July sounded fabulous!   Then I was immediately struck with…how does this effect my planning and prep for regular Christmas?  what does it really mean?

I think after a bit of research starting here:  http://twurl.nl/i22hd5 that it can just be fun and MAYBE I’ll win a few things too!
So check it out if you have time….that link is to the Britax giveaway!  Who doesn’t need (or want) a cushy new carseat!

The rest of her site has other fun stuff too!  Christmas in July ROCKS!  (even though I’ve now missed almost all of it!  eek!)

Jon is in and out with his Army stuff and I’m sure this next year or two is going to be interesting and stressful.  I’m sort of expecting and hoping it does and doesn’t happen all at once.

The kids are fabulous!  They are growing and learning and so much fun.  Really….

I’m ok.  Working, volunteering, stressed.  Really stressed.
Money is stressful.  Time management is stressful.  My family is stressful.  It’s never ending it seems.

I. JUST. WANT. A. BREAK.

And I have no idea how to make that happen.  sigh….

Jon has not found a job.  I really feel like there just are no jobs here.  So many people are unemployed.  He has a very slim chance and doesn’t have the skills needed to land what’s here.  I’m not sure what the clear answer is.  We could move.  But I’ve no idea where too.  Or how to go about getting a job there….And if it will suit us better in the long run.

I’m working part time at two different jobs.  I’m still doing my volunteer stuff at the school.  I really wanted to start school for the spring 2 term but I don’t think that’s going to happen.  And there is a project/committee thing starting up here that I really do want to get involved in but don’t know that I have the time for.

We’ve essentially started over before when we left the Air Force.  Our life has been one sharp turn after another since then.  Although I thought I was pretty easy going, I apparently mistaken.  I thought I took change well and the truth is I like a strong stable support under neath all that surface change.

I feel like my life is at a huge crossroads.   That I need to make some HUGE decisions to propel our life forward, but I don’t know WHAT that chance or decision might be.  Just that I need to get up and do something.  I need to decide.

The kids are good but changing so much.  I feel like I am here absorbing who they are, attempting to remember all the little things I know I’ll forget in 5 years, trying to meet their needs and enjoy them in their present personalities and yet I feel like I am still missing a million little things about each of them.  It’s really very saddening.  Disheartening to a mother that tries so very hard.

HOW DO YOU FIND THE BALANCE???  What’s enough but not too much?  HOW am I supposed to know?!?!  Am I spending too much time away from them?  Am I spending too much time with them?  Am I making them unsecure because I am not letting them go?  Am I making them insecure because I am letting them go too soon?  URGHHH!!  This is just not fair.  There is no way to know…

Then I think, my mom thought she was doing the best she could.  I love her for that.   She was a good mother because she loved me and she tried.  But from my perspective, she didn’t do such a great job.  Now mind you, I think that’s a universal situation.  I think most moms think they did better than they really did and that most kids think their parents could have done better.

So that goes to reason that I should be able to predict what I am doing wrong and what I can do better for my kids.  Or least in my warped retarded brain, I think I should.   And I am seriously annoyed that I can’t.   Pissed off might be a better word for it really..

I . have . no . idea . what . I . am . doing .

I’m not sure why I am freaking out.  I just have this feeling…and my dreams are very vivid and disoriented.

I need some answers.  Clear cut, realistic answers.  Is that really so hard to ask for?  Apparently it is…

Tinsley is no longer a toddler or a preschooler.  Just last week she seems to have lost that baby innocence to her.   She’s growing up quickly.  Even more quickly than I thought possible.  Tuesday, Tailey is getting colored hair extensions.  It was a less of two evils in making her and I happy.  She wanted her hair highlighted or something like other girls.  I think she’s too young.  These mini colored (pink, purple, blue or something else) extensions won’t stay in for super long and don’t actually do anything to her gorgeous hair.  Comprimize right?  yeah..  Tate got his *mall* hair cut.  Previously only my mom has cut their hair.  He looked awful.  The poor kid got jon’s hair (least it wasn’t the girls!) and it looks bad if it’s longer than about 1/2 inch.  He looks so handsome and devilish.  Really.  He’s going to be 7.  I’ll write about that in the next section.  Tucker is doing well cept that sleeping.  The kid is just attached and needs reassuring and comfort almost all the time.  He needs to be right next to you.  He needs to help you.  He’s also not really growing which is a bit of a concern.  He’s talking, climbing and understanding though.  I just keep having to buy him clothes because he’s not growing enough to fit into anything and he’s wearing out what I have.  I love him to pieces, but he’s just so particular.

My thoughts on 7.  I realized that I have a hard time with the kids turning 7.  It was hard when Tailey turned 7.  And now as Tate approaches 7 and Tailey 8, it was still harder to swallow Tate’s 7.  Seems stupid right?  So I start thinking about it.  WTF?    I was 7 when my parents got divorced.  It was a really hard time for me.  I think 7 is a hard age because you’re not a baby anymore but people still want you to be.  You mostly get what’s going on, but things are still really hard to handle on your own.  They are really in that vulnerable stage of too big and not big enough.  But it’s about their feelings and how they control them.  About their whole personality coming out in different ways.

I can see their changes daily.  I can see the frustration behind their eyes.  I want to make it easier for them.  At the same time, I have no idea how.  That year of my life was so awful.  I barely remember anything from before that year.  I was not the normal 7 yr old.  Nothing in my life was normal after that point.  So how do I look forward and make sure my kids have a normal life when I have no idea what that looks like from their point of view?

I’m searching.  I know I’m searching.  I just don’t know what I am searching for and I haven’t a clue where to look…I’ll figure it out.  It’s little steps for me always…

You feel it’s important to work according to a plan and finish every task, to do things correctly and thoroughly.

You are not the kind of person who abandons a project before finishing it, or slacks off when you’ve lost interest.

Organized

You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it’s the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it’s only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you’re not satisfied until you reach it.

You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don’t understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.

Competent

You strive to master everything you undertake. You tend to learn quickly and do not shy away from challenges.

You are not a “que sera sera” type of person, nor do you go easy on yourself when attempting to master a new skill or get a job done.

Buttoned-Down

You like to know that everything is in its place; it’s somehow empowering to know that the world around you is neat and organized. For you, schedules and timelines are great ways to stay on track, and mowing down the items on your “to do” list is a source of happiness.

You do not believe that a clean, orderly desk is the sign of a person who doesn’t have enough to do; you don’t thrive on a sense of personal anarchy.

Excitable

You have a strong image of how you want things to be, and when the world around you refuses to cooperate you get annoyed, distracted, or worse.

You don’t feel compelled to stay calm when the world around you is erupting in chaos; it’s not your job to keep everyone else in line.

Scrupulous

You are an honest, fair person. You don’t lie or cheat to get ahead. You treat others with respect and hope for the same in return.

You do not feel that you are above the rules that everyone else follows; you are definitely not willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead.

Responsible

You fulfill your obligations and responsibilities, are true to your word, and generally obey the rules.

You’re opposed to making hasty decisions, you don’t insist that you’re above the rules, nor do you feel compelled to color outside the lines.

While the majority of those who have a high score on the “responsible” trait enjoy traveling, they are usually very happy to return home — and don’t mind staying put for a while.

Focused

You know how to lock in on what’s important. You quickly prepare yourself for a task, you don’t procrastinate, and you don’t let up until the job is done to your satisfaction.

You are the opposite of scattered. You don’t procrastinate before starting a task, and you almost never lose track of what you’re doing.

Unflappable

You are not a slave to your emotions. It takes a lot to upset or unnerve you. That’s why you’re a good person to have around in a crisis.

You don’t let it all hang out, which means that those around you often don’t know the pressures you’re under or what you’re going through. You’re not the kind of person people run from in a crisis.

Meticulous

You tend to want everything you touch to be just right. You can spot errors, omissions, shoddy work, or bad taste from a mile away. You demand a lot of yourself, and you often hold others to the same standards.

You don’t want to be one of those people who couldn’t care less about doing a job well, and you don’t think it helps to apologize for the sloppiness of others or cut them a lot of slack.